True Stories from Bolehland!

- by James Chin

This is Malaysia, right? Bolehland, where if you know the right people, everything is possible. Strange stories of incredible things have happened in Bolehland. Bolehland is a “can do” attitude that we must all be proud of. Anything and everything is possible.

Just like Singapore with its “Kiasu” – afraid to lose – attitude, Bolehland means there are no obstacles too hard or difficult to overcome.

We like to laugh at the Singaporeans and their kiasu ways but I must say we are better off than our pesky neighbour since our antics are far superior to theirs.

I say this because there are a few stories in the past few weeks that confirmed that you can only make it if you have the right Bolehland attitude.

I shall repeat these stories here purely for illustration purposes. I do not know if they are true or not but all have been widely reported. Again, I need to stress I am merely repeating these allegations.

Case 1. Do you know that you have to see the Prime Minister to get a Perodua dealership? I am not kidding. It seems that a Perodua dealership is a licence to print money so only the highest political office can grant this patronage.

Don't believe me? Kindly refer to the press conference and confession by Chithirakala Vasu who thanked the great MIC leader for going to Tun Dr Mahathir, then the prime minister, to help her husband to get a Perodua dealership. Is it any wonder that our PM is always short of time since he has to deal with things like Perodua dealership?

Case 2. According to the French newspaper, Leberation (5th March 2009), a Malaysian company called Perimaker received 114 million euros (about RM500 million plus) for “support and coordination services” in a submarine deal made by the government.

It looks like the government cannot buy direct like most countries but must use a middlemen or company to buy submarines. No wonder every ambitious person I meet nowadays called themselves “consultant” since talking can net you RM500 million plus. My Hokkien friends tell me that in Bolehland, the most senior consultants are called “kantow-tants”.

Case 3. One Bahasa daily devoted a full page to the phenomenon of Malay men who leave their wives for “pondan” (transvestite) lovers. The Pertubuhan Kebaijkan Sahabat Insan Malaysia (Sidim) chairman had apparentl had received many complaints from wives whose husbands had left them for she-male lovers.

No doubt, after detailed investigations and scientific surveys, the blame for the husbands’ pondan leanings will be on the wives’ attitude. The chairman advised wives to “take care of your husbands’ hearts ... pamper them ... because in these cases some husbands say that they fall in with transvestites because they get extra services, and transvestites are more devoted than their own wives."

Now all these while I was under the impression – and I have heard our highest ranked politician say it a few times – Malaysia is an Islamic country.

So how can there be a “pondan” problem among the Muslim community? What are the police doing about this national security problem? Don’t they know that the fertility rate among Malays may be affected if nothing is done to stop this problem?

What happened to Wanita Umno or Puteri Umno? Do they agree that pondan issue is due to the wives?

Case No 4. On Feb 26, all drivers in the Klang Valley were hot under the collar when it was announced that toll rates would go up. Within 24 hours, the cabinet had reversed the decision. There was great joy in the streets. The government was listening to the “rakyat”. The “rakyat” can “save” on toll.

I don’t know about you, but if you had read the story carefully, it says although there is no toll increase, the government will compensate (actually, it means pay) the highway concessionaires millions of ringgit in lieu of the toll increase.

So, who lost? The toll operators have millions without collecting and money comes from the taxpayers. No wonder drivers are celebrating that the government is “listening” to the “rakyat”. I wonder how much it will cost the taxpayers like you and me everytime the government listens to the “rakyat”.

Case No 5. Jelapang ADUN Hee Yit Foong’s first public appearance at her service centre since leaving the DAP was on March 7, apparently to meet a constituent over complaints on drainage problems.

I salute her for her commitment to look after the longkang issues. If ADUNs do not look after longkang, they might do silly things like causing the fall of state government.

What I don’t understand is why did she arrive in a silver Mercedes-Benz? In Bolehland, apparently if you have a chance to sit and enjoy a drive in a Merc, you must do it.

After all, what sort of self-respecting ADUN would be seen in anything less than a Merc or Camry? The lowest one can accept is, of course, a Proton Perdana but then again, it might break down with gearbox problems outside your service centre. Then, how to escape?

It does not matter that people suspect you of winning a blue dacing lottery ticket with tons of money suddenly. You simply must show up in a Merc to confirm the story. The DAP really made a mistake by not appointing such a smart person as State Exco earlier. What talent!

James Chin is a Malaysian academic. The views expressed here are his own and do not reflect the views of institutions he is associated with. He can be contacted atJameschin1@gmail.com